My husband has been nagging me star blog. The thought of starting my own blog started an explosion of questions in my mind: Why would people read my blog? Is what I have to say important? How is this going to benefit my followers? Is it really necessary? Surely this is a modern way of voicing one’s opinion but what’s the guarantee anybody out there will take the time to read my opinion and actually interact with me. These are the questions that kept swirling in my mind day after day, month after month.
“Everything you want is on the other side of fear” (Jack Canfield)
Fear is one of the basic human emotions. In my opinion, people fear the unknown. I fear the unknown. However, if I don’t take a leap of faith, I will never know whether I would truly fail or succeed. My late mom used to say “Ingrid, when life (or a ball) hits the floor, it cannot go beyond the floor, it’s gotta bounce up.”
I would like to share my experience of fear in the hope to inspire you (the reader) to take that first step – walk into the unknown and take that leap of faith.
I’ve always wanted to further my education after school. I knew exactly what I wanted to study when I was around 12 years old, in Grade 7, after an educational trip to the zoo. I decided then and there, that I wanted to study either Veterinary Science or study to become an animator and work at Disney World. Well, my life didn’t turn out the way I planned it.
I was born in Brazil and spoke Portuguese at home. I had to learn English from scratch as well as Afrikaans, which was a compulsory language to learn and pass grade 12 in the 80’s and early 90’s. School was a nightmare for me from an academic and social perspective, and I struggles. I failed two grades which impacted my self esteem and I simply fell “between the cracks”. How I eventually managed to pass grade 12 was a miracle, because my grades were abismal and I didn’t get the necessary academic marks to get into university, never mind to study animal medicine. I also didn’t have a choice to further my studies as my parents were divorced, my father didn’t pay a single cent towards maintenance and so, I had no other choice but to find a job and start working and help my late mom financially.
In the meantime, the need to further my education and study towards a university degree had lingered like a heavy, dark cloud over my head. My peers were studying, graduated from university and started working. I hung out with those people, and felt worthless. I always thought they were smarter than me.
I met my now husband, got married, gave birth to two amazing boys and the need to further my education kept lingering. When my youngest son was almost 3 years old, I did some research and decided I was going to enrol at the University of South Africa (UNISA), to study towards a Social Work and Psychology degree. I went and stood in the queue at the said university, in the blistering summer sun one day on 3 January 2008 to enrol. I shook. I shook internally and physically. I was so afraid. What if I fail? What if I’m not smart enough to study at a tertiary academic institution? What if I don’t have what it takes to study part time? What if I don’t have the tenacity to get through this degree? What ifs, What ifs, What ifs?
I landed up enrolling for the Social Work and psychology, 4 year degree. I had to do one year bridging year to prove my competence and then start the 4 year degree. I studied part time, while raising two young boys age 3 and 5, married, working part time as a fitness instructor, Reiki practitioner, assisting my husband in his business doing some accounting work (blah), and occasionally, auditioning for some small rolls for television adverts for extra cash. I treated my studies as if it was a paid job. I even took my study material with me to auditions and when my husband and I travelled overseas for 10 days, I studied when I couldn’t sleep due to the time difference.
I completed my degree in under eight years. I did better academically at university than I did at school. I even managed to get two distinctions in two subjects I didn’t particularly enjoy. My husband and children attended my graduation in 2015. I was in a daze. I couldn’t believe I was actually graduating from a university. It was totally surreal.
Had I allowed my fear of not being good or smart enough to stop me from enrolling at university, I would have still been working as a fitness instructor for peanuts. I’m glad I didn’t listen to the fear I so intensely experienced. It paid off ignoring that emotion and did what it took to earn a degree.
THE UNIVERSE REWARDS ACTION AND NOT THOUGH
Ingrid is a psychotherapist and social worker in private practice with special interest in clinical work & Somatic Therapies. She is an EMDR, Brainspotting, TIR practitioner, Hypnotherapist & is registered with SACSSP. She is also a dance and signing student. To find out more how she can assist & book an appointment, email Ingrid@inneressence.co.za. Sessions are claimable from medical insurance. Please visit her website on http://www.inneressence.co.za.
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